By Bill Fountain
Posted October 30, 2020, 2:31 pm
In the wake of growing massacres in a violent civilization, a seemingly routine Major League Baseball game was underway when a mysterious, devilish twenty-foot figure appeared on second base. The defense scattered to the dugout as the stadium of 25,000 fans gasped, many retrieving their mobile devices to document the upcoming chaos. The blood-red, horned demon menacingly stomped toward the pitcher's mound, gazing out to the crowd like a rock star. Security began frantically calling for backup in a petrified worry, as they did not have the firepower to deal with summoned monsters interrupting gameplay. The beast snarled, growled, and let out a monstrous roar, causing the people to cap their ears as many panels of glass throughout the stadium shattered.
It took sixty seconds before a grenade rocketed toward the demon as a SWAT team emerged onto the field. The fans edged forward in their chairs as many rose to their feet and began wildly cheering, but then the unexpected broke their grins. The grenade landed in front of the beast, then detonated a harmless gust of confetti without any audible blast. The team of fifteen SWAT members subsequently all hit the deck, but not as a defensive tactic, instead of like they all had been fatally shot with a silenced sniper rifle. Pools of blood formed around the heads of the SWAT members and the beast guffawed obnoxiously. He let out one of his enormous arms and what looked like a microphone appeared like magic at his fingertips. The beast spoke.
"So I was at the dentist the other day… No, I'm kidding- could you imagine? Ladies and gentlemen, it is I… Satan," his voice amplified through the speakers, much louder and bolder than the announcer they had been hearing before. "I am here to bring a curse upon your land. And by the way, I don't even need this microphone, I'm fucking Satan," he joked, as his magic mic vanished. He continued, "You foolish humans try pathetically to solve your violent crises, not knowing the value of faith. Each and every one of your earthly weapons are now defective and shall explode upon the pull of each trigger. You may manufacture new weapons, and they shall all explode when you pull the trigger. Science shall not prevail, fuckers! I'm OUT!" The beast vanished.
The citizens went home and tested their firearms, only to be met with a violent explosion and demise. The military all had defective guns, and their tanks would all self-destruct if attempted. Surely enough, scientists began studying the guns and try to discover what it was that was causing the explosions. The weapons appeared to be made of the exact same composite and no new knowledge was obtained. New guns were manufactured, only to be evidently defective as well, as each gun tester was only met with a deadly explosion in their face. Tests were made to have AI fire weapons, or make similar mechanisms to prevent being near the firearm when its trigger is pulled. By a miraculous, divine power, whenever the AI bots would fire the weapon, whoever authorized the trigger pull would be met with spontaneous combustion.
Three days go by, and it is accepted that guns are too dangerous to even attempt to fire. Other weapons are harbored, such as crossbows and katanas. But even when an archer tries firing an arrow, he is met with a godlike explosion. Boxers are even met with explosions, and it appears all forms of violence have been stripped from the Earth. Satan watched on, hardly able to contain himself from laughing.
Violence surely enough hits zero but people feel as if their free agency is being tampered with and can't handle the ungodly mistreatment. Across the globe, people wish for Satan to return, and to reverse this awful curse.
Then one day, a school shooting happens. A real, non-explosive school shooting perpetrated by a man with a working automatic rifle. The violent spree ended in his suicide, and people began believing the curse had been lifted.
Their guns kept exploding, and more and more people were killed by the satanic curse. People were baffled as to how the kid was able to get a working gun until one day another man was able to fire his rifle.
He made a YouTube video of himself explaining how he was able to restore his personal firearm. He said that all did was believe that the curse was lifted and that his gun worked fine now. He proves his point by showcasing himself outdoors successfully firing off rounds from his own AR-15.
People were skeptical but still attempted the strategy themselves. Many picked up their rifles, envisioned the curse being gone and the gun working properly, but when they pulled the trigger were killed from the explosions. The YouTube video had 90% dislikes, and the media warned citizens not to try this foolish tactic.
School shootings kept happening. To the confusion of the entire civilization, it seemed people were randomly able to work their firearms yet still many weapons were cursed. As Satan suggested, scientists were not able to solve the problem. People continued to pray for Satan to return to lift the curse.
And one day, Satan does return.
It was at another MLB game, and the same song-and-dance laid out as people began recording the second coming of Satan. He walked his familiar stomps toward the pitcher’s mound and let out an identical snarl, growl followed by a ferocious roar. He reaches his arm out, and people watch on as they prepare to see another magic microphone appear, but instead, an AR-15 rifle appears in his right hand and he aims it out at the crowd.
“Foolish humans- I read on Twitter that you all are sad that you can’t shoot people anymore. Aww, are the foo foo bunnies sad? Idiots!” Satan fired the AR-15 into the night sky, crackling the sound-barrier.
“The curse only lasted for three days, silly mortals! Oh, but it all came with a fun twist! Your weapons all work fine now and have been working fine for the last month. The problem is- your weapons will now only do what you believe they will do! If you believe your gun will blow up, well guess what happens when you pull the trigger? KABOOM! And because I’m Satan, and don’t give a fuck, I also curse the indecisive. If you don’t know what your weapon will do, then it shall explode. The value of faith is sacred! You label yourselves and wonder why your label perpetuates. You must have faith that your weapon is functional! I hope you remember this trial, and the lives of those lost so you could learn this lesson. I’m out, and by the way, this game is a blowout, why are you all still here?”
The devil vanished, and the curse had been lifted.