The Lucid Dreamer

By Bill Fountain

Posted December 5, 2020, 12:17 am


I will always remember back in high school when this girl thought I was cute and so I started talking to her. After our conversation, she thought I was awkward and creepy. Since then, my inner monologue has always convinced me that to avoid humiliation, I must avoid female. You may look but you must not let her hear you speak. The less she knows about you, the more mystery your character will portray, and the more female will be attracted to you.

This line of thinking inevitably wired my brain that "I don't need no woman", and that my computer can be my girlfriend. I was okay with this until my crippling anxiety and depression eventually reminded me that I must strive to achieve things that will actually help me in the future, instead of just giving me a blast of happy chemicals in the moment.

You probably think I live with my parents but I don't, okay? So get that shit out of your head. I'm very comfortable and secure about my living situation so I don't need you thinking I live with my parents. I live in a one-bedroom apartment that my parents pay for but I have a job and will pay them back. I work at Pizza Palace with my pal Pedro but I only make $100 a week. It's probably because I only work 15 hours, but I have thought about talking to the manager about maybe giving me more hours.

There's this beautiful girl who works there named Kayla. She's so hot and funny and her voice sounds like a raspy angel. I want to be her girlfriend I mean boyfriend but I only talk to her when I say things like "Hey, do I put black olives on the Works?" so I don't know how to express my feelings. I'm afraid if she knows I like her, she'll start rumors in the Pizza Palace that I am creepy, awkward, and ugly.

I found that the best way to cope with my crippling anxiety and depression is through the art of lucid dreaming. If you didn't know, that's where you realize you are dreaming while you are dreaming, and can manipulate the dream to your will. My favorite part of any day is when I get to have my sweet slumber, so I can swiftly sail to a better place where girls think I'm cute even after hearing my choice of words.

I became a very active dreamer and realized that I could just be Kayla's boyfriend in my lucid dream. That's not even creepy since nobody would know that I'm doing it. So I made it happen. I asked out Kayla in my dream, and she began making out with me while we copulated in the restaurant kitchen while patrons cheered and cried tears of joy.

I would lucid dream every day and every night. I got so good at it that I became bored. It was no longer something I looked forward to because it was beginning to lack freshness and frankly, a damn challenge.

In my lucid dreams, I'm able to make anything I think of instantly appear in front of my eyes. I decided that for a challenge, I will make it so whenever I think of something, that thing will appear in front of my eyes at a later dream. Delaying the gratification, if you will.

This did the trick at first, and I was once again enjoying my life in my lucid dreams alongside Kayla and our lovely son, Zaniel. But the more and more I lucid dreamt with delayed gratification, the more and more my fantasies would dissipate and slowly become like my reality. Kayla and our lovely son, Zaniel disappeared and I was no longer living luxurious lifestyles. I was back working at Pizza Palace in my lucid dream.

I remember one dream where I was working with Kayla and we weren't talking to each other. We would just say arbitrary work-related comments, barely even recognizing that we had a lovely son named Zaniel. Then it hit me- this is a new Kayla that I've dreamt up. A Kayla that I must work to impress and become a valuable man that can provide for myself and a family.

I asked her out and she told me "Sorry, I have a boyfriend." This was an odd feeling in a dream where I was aware I was in the dream. I decided that this delayed gratification bullshit in my lucid dreams was also getting boring, so I began intensely visualizing Disneyland so I could teleport there. I loved fucking around in the Haunted Mansion with nobody there to tell me to stop. It's quite a trip.

The problem is- I kept thinking and thinking like a raging Dhalsim but didn't teleport anywhere. I was still standing there at Pizza Palace with my stupid spoon making a stupid pizza.

Wow- I had just asked out Kayla in real life. And I had no fear and felt no humiliation. This is the moment I realized that my over-anxious thoughts where I create catastrophes out of hypothetical, trivial situations, were no more real than the lucid dreams I was imagining.

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